Confusing

I think the worst thing i have problems with is thinking.  Too many opinions in one head.  I can not keep any one opinion or mood long before it changes.  Something that i clearly feel one way about, can  change in an instant.  I am always looking for answers when there is no question.  Self doubt is strong as the inner arguements continue.  Feelings towards people changing rapidly and trying to cling on to what i hope is the truth.  Every action comes under scrutiny and evaluation.  I wish i could think one way about something, instead of a dozen variations all on a sliding scale.  The only time i am convinced i am right is when it is negative.  I don’t know how to attempt to address this or where to start…

Tough week

This week has been a very challenging time.  I found myself at a train station waiting for the through train, as i pondered whether to jump.  Yet again totally alone.  Everyone thinks so little of me, but i find myself playing along with their act.  I simply do not care enough anymore to reach out.  I have learned that people only want to engage with me when I am ‘happy’, so this is what I shall give them.  A few do engage out of some misguided sense of need or sympathy, but it is clear to see this has no depth or substance.  I have really tried to be honest this week and it has not been received well.  People love the false me and avoid the real one.  Many things have really upset me and normally I would argue them until blue in the face, but now i give up.  I see no merit to trying to enhance any relationship i have.  Instead I back down and say what they want to hear whilst another bit of me dies within.  I am not happy… not sure i can ever be again.  I have had a rather enlightning message from the family.  They have informed me how evil, disturbed, vindictive i am.  They followed this with many emails, texts and phonecalls.  My family, who i grew up with, wished me dead.  My ‘care team’ have said i am inhuman and can not be helped.  My children’s father, demanding i do the right thing by my children and kill myself.  My friends oblivious to it all.  Non stop all week.  Yet here i am lying to the world about how happy i am and how determined to succeed i am.  Does no one really see?  Ofcourse they don’t. They don’t want to.  I have to be alert 24/7 to keep up with the lies and pretense.  I had my first proper human touch this week.  It should have been a very significant thing to me, but it was a joke, a challenge and i was made to ask for it.  My whole life of not having affection or care, to crave it at times, despite knowing i was not worthy of it.  The first time i experience something i have constantly thought about and i had to ask for it.  How pathetic does that make me?  The only way someone will touch me is by me asking them to.  It reinforces to me that i truly am unloveable.  A simple act, which i hoped would open part of me up, unlock what i had long shut away and all it has done is remind me that i am nothing.  It made me more determined to hide.  I will always be alone.  If the popular opinion keep pushing for their way, then atleast i won’t continue like this for long.  In all the years of my life,  very few have truly cared.  And now the very same people want me gone.  For now I will continue to receive the calls and messages. I will continue playing the ‘everything’s fine and i’m happy’ game. I will slowly die inside.  I will not reach out anymore, i shall just hide deeper inside away from all those that want to hurt me and those that have no clue that they do.

Taken over

I have lost control again and retreated.  The constant barrage from family has taken it’s toll.  Yesterday was a bad day.  I was desperate and had no one and regret my decision to call back the splits to deal with everything.  They are as strong as ever.  They are dangerous though, possibly because they have been so controlled for a long time.  Last night they engaged with someone and it has turned quite bad and very awkward, not sure how to stop it now.  Playful played with someone she really shouldn’t have.  I was enjoying having them under control and in the background, but here I am again, with my blog the only avenue I have to be me.  I wish I were stronger than them and could take back power.  I have an appointment this week and this new development could cause huge problems.  I need to get strength form somewhere.  My friend has been round in an attempt to gain control but they hurt her and she couldn’t cope any longer.  Seeing the hurt I had caused to someone I love is hard.  I am so grateful she tried but really I should never have put her in that situation, as she is nowhere near strong enough to tackle them and silence them.  I am torn because I value their protection but question their influence.  For a long time everything has been getting too much, maybe I should have reached out to a friend earlier, but in truth every time I tried, I failed.  I need someone to break them so I can get back to the front.  Thoughts of burning are strong, as I want silence and control back, but doubt that without a severe one, this could be accomplished.  I question if I can risk this with my appointment so close… a body check would be the end of everything I have achieved.  Can I trust the splits to not cause the doctors to be alarmed?  They are already concerned and rightly so, but I do not need to be medicated and locked away.  I can not be put back under sanctions, as this would make the splits so much more volatile.  I am lost.  Forcing meds on to me is not the answer but nor is being restrained to ensure compliance either.  It is good not to feel so low anymore, but at what cost?  The splits do not have the ability to feel true emotion.  Life is a mere game for them.  Maybe I have caused all this by allowing myself to love a few people, years of hiding and when I finally accept others into my world, this happens.  I am not sure if there was one trigger or a multitude, all I know is that I don’t like what is happening to me and am powerless to stop it.  I know what I need but have no one able to do it for me.  They need to be silenced and put back into the background and used appropriately.  But when I can not overpower them, how can anyone else.  I think sleep deprivation has played a huge part in this, but no amount of meds are getting me to relax enough to sleep.  The sedatives are barely touching the sides at the moment.  I do not want to take the anti-psychotics and lose everything.  For now I will have to hope that they calm down and can be tolerable.  How many people I will lose during this waiting game is questionable.  The worst case scenario is losing the few I care about and it will not be the first time.  Perhaps I should allow them to consume me….

Leave me alone..

I move 120 miles away 9 years ago and now they have found me.  I do not want to make amends or ‘talk’ about things.  I am very sorry a family member is dying but the responsibility to make her dying days better is not mine!   Why do people think that just because something bad happens that we should all suddenly pull together?  Where were they when I needed them?  To be fair they had no clue where I was but that is not the point.  When a relationship breaks down then it is for a reason and nothing should change that fact.  There is little point in going back over something that has no bearing on your life for 9 years.  I am sick of the constant phone calls and emails.  I am sick of feeling bad about this and I am more sick of having to deal with this situation.  I have my own little world here and I moved where no one knew me to achieve that… perhaps it is time to move again, where they can not find me?  Start again.. again.  Done it so many times before and never look back.  Would miss a few people but can’t stay in contact with them, as it would be too binding.  So I guess I have to weigh up what I have here (if anything) and whether I wanna leave it.   If I leave then I will have to do as before and leave without telling anyone, can’t allow them to follow me again.  I hate what this is bringing back for me and how it is making me feel.  The past should be left there, nothing can be served by bringing it all back.  It will not change what happened and can not take away the memories.  Years of ignoring this and now it is being dumped all back on me again.  Not sure how many times i can keep starting a new life and making it work, but I am resourceful and will manage it.  I worry for the boys but feel that as long as I stay close to them then I can keep them safe and stable.  I allowed them to make bonds this time and that could be an issue but the maternal bond is stronger than all of them.  So do I carry on packing???

Bad day.

I have never felt more alone than today.  I have had a phone call to say that my aunt has hours to live and she has asked for me.  She lives 120 miles away, but that is not the reason that I have refused to go.  As a child i spent most of my time with her and my cousins.  As an adult she was my best friend.  I could tell her anything and she supported me with anything.  Her daughter died in tragic circumstances when i was 18.  My cousin was only 28 and she had two small children, who I had helped bring up with her.  There is a lot more to it than that and I had to lie to my cousin every day for years to protect her and the children from her partner.  After she died my Aunt did not handle it very well.  I was always by her side, as she was mine.  She was there for the birth of my first child and would drive through the night to come and get me, when my ex had beaten me so badly that I could not stand.  I moved back to my home county when I was pregnant with my second to escape my partner.  Again she supported me.  However, during a conversation she blamed me for her daughters death ( I already had guilt that I, was not to blame but, could have prevented it) and she put this down to me deliberately doing it due to my ‘relationship’ with her daughters partner.  I went straight home and packed my house and my two kids and left at 6am the next morning.  I disowned all my extended family and never left a forwarding address.  Only giving it to my parents and sister when they swore never to reveal it.   Over the last 9 years I have received many letters from her (via 3rd parties) begging for my forgiveness but I could not do it.  I ignored the history we had and concentrated on the hurt she had caused.  By the stage my brain had emotionally cut off anyway, so there really was no chance for her.  I was told that just before Xmas she was taken to hospital seriously ill, but never really gave it a second thought.  Today i am told that she will not see the night through and wants me there.  Despite how I feel about her, the two children that I helped to bring up are now motherless and going to lose their grandmother.  But I can not go.   So many thoughts are racing through my head and I do not know what to make of them.  As usual I have no one and have been sat in tears all afternoon tearing myself apart, trying to sort my feelings out on this.  I am waiting for the phone to ring and tell me she has gone.  And when she does it will be with her knowing that I still couldn’t forgive her.   this makes me very upset but I can’t do anything about it, I just don’t have the ability to forgive.  I haven’t phoned any of my ‘friends’ as it has been proven over the last few days, with my lack of being able to share my news, that I have none.  The one remaining one I thought I had, proved how much they thought of me yesterday, so I have no one.  I don’t know where to start trying to process this, the memories that this is bringing back are so unpleasant and that complicates matters.   I was in a precarious state before this and now I just don’t know what to do.  I am so scared that I will fall when I get the phone call.  So many unfamiliar emotions running through me.  The past really does come back to bite when you least expect it… 

Another day over…

I have managed to get through the day, yet again, pretending everything is fine.  I haven’t slept yet and don’t think I have had more than couple of hours each night for over a week now.  Something is clearly on my mind and until I can resolve this, I can’t see sleep happening anytime soon.  I have still not heard back yet from the stupid idea I had yesterday, so I guess the person concerned is a little annoyed at me for backing out.  Have no idea what I was thinking, I think something just happens so quickly that you have no time to really digest it until after.  I am not so down about it all now though, so that’s a good thing.  Have accepted that I was being stupid on many counts.  Sometimes I do wonder how stupid I really am… I know I am not ridiculously stupid but have real doubts as to whether I am capable of moderate intelligence on occasion.   Anyway, I still haven’t managed to really leave the house in a few days but maybe tomorrow is the day!  Have so much going on in my head at the minute and for once the splits aren’t the cause of my full head.  Have so many questions, that I am finding that I am unable to answer.  Hours and hours of research and I still can’t solve my problems.  Taking meds is easy, much less hassle.  But I am trying everything I can to not go near that cupboard right now, as I seriously worry what I would take.  I have got an eerie calm about me and that concerns me.   At least with noise and keeping busy, I know that I am functioning.  With the quiet comes the risk that I am shutting down again.  If I could have one wish it would be to have a life instruction manual, that is specific to my damaged brain.  I am desperately awaiting all my splits to return.  This will sound very strange but I need someone to talk to and although they are still me, it makes me feel that I am not alone.   For example last night I would have been satisfied telling myself what had happened and deciding what to do about it.   If i don’t find some answers soon then I am not sure that I can continue with this new ‘trying’ attitude.  I need to figure out where I am heading and for what purpose.  My whole life seems to be pending at the minute, waiting for either me to make a decision or someone to do it for me.  When I have answers and direction i can go through each day holding on to that.  Instead I am just on pause with my finger over the rewind… 

Deflated.

Has anything significant ever happened to you and you find that you just want to tell those closest to you and when you turn around they are not there?  Small things in our lives are important to us and I think rightly or wrongly we lose sight that they aren’t important to others.  How can they be really?  I was manic and bouncing off the walls earlier at a snap decision I made and the response that it got.  From there everything happened really quickly (probably too fast actually) and before I knew it something was going to happen that would either be great for me or be awful.  I needed to talk it through with someone and I wanted to too, which is very new for me.  I reached out to 4 people in my life, almost at the same time.  All, for very good reasons, weren’t there.  Now while I understand this, it did deflate me.  It got me thinking about the times that I get really low and again I am all alone.  I always assumed, naively, that people just couldn’t deal with the bad stuff and that’s why I dealt with it alone.  When, in fact, it’s not confined to bad events, but all events for me.  My life is not important to anyone and never has been.  This is no great shock but it makes me wonder why I keep attempting to change my life.  I can change my mindset to it but really it will always be the same, I will just think differently about it.  As it is I am trying to cancel what I decided to do and hope that the message gets through in time.  Realising that i can not do it and it not something that I am either capable of nor really want to do.  My whole life has achieved nothing.  I do nothing.  I am nothing.  I am fast becoming disillusioned with what I perceived to be accomplishments.  Mundane figures for a site do not matter.  Chatting to people is not important.  Sorting petty squabbles over the internet tiresome.  Being the voice of reason in a neighborhood dispute pointless.  While they all pass my time, none of them matter.  If i shut myself away tomorrow, everything would carry on fine without me.  I want to improve my life but have no skills or talents in which to do so.  That is the reality of my life.  So yet again I have accepted what being me really means and I still hate it.  But tomorrow, yet again, I will pretend to the whole world and myself that I am fine and none of this matters.  Ironically, the only thing that I have an amazing talent for, is the one thing I despise most in the world… failing.

Hugging.

I can not get my head around the concept of hugging someone.  Apart from the obvious I hate people touching me issues, I just don’t understand what can be gained from it.

A good hug results in oxytocin “bonding hormone” flow, they would have us believe but how can they claim that to be fact?  The pituitary gland releases this hormone and is linked to sexual desire and more recently with the development of psychological studies, it has been linked to attachment and bonding.  When this hormone can be artificially given to you, then this negates the apparent need to hug.

A hug can apparently lower your blood pressure, especially helpful if you’re feeling anxious.  This is also true of breathing techniques and rest. It is also claimed that it lowers your cortisol (the stress hormone), enabling a higher quality of sleep.  This is yet another gland (adrenal) that can also be replaced by medicine.  A physical touch can trigger glands to emit but so can many other factors.  To base the positives of a hug on a biological function seems ridiculous to me.

I think if you want to find the ‘benefits’ of a hug we have to look more at psychology.  The need for people to feel loved and have the reassurance from others.  This would have started at birth with breast feeding, when a child is wrapped in its’ mothers arms getting nutrition and having a sense of fulfillment, this would establish a link between being held and comfort.  Psychologists base much of their diagnose and reasoning on early experience under the age of 5 (the informative years) and would claim that we all learn attachment from this stage.  I question whether a confident person still needs to have this form of touch or if it is just learned behaviour.

In the animal kingdom,  the physical touch is more about dominance.  With the one touching the other having greater power and influence in the relationship.. primates are one of the very few that see touch as a sign of warmth and affection.

I do believe that for many they enjoy hugging and see it as an expression of how they feel about someone or of a situation.  But surely words can do much more to convey what you want?  The rules of hugging seem to be very varied.  An unexpected hug can be regarded as an invasion of a person’s personal space, however if it is reciprocated it is an indication that it is welcome.  Hugs given to a loved one reinforce the bond that is there and can show protection or care for them.  It can be used to greet someone, to show appreciation, to console or congratulate.  Having so many possible reasons for a hug, in my opinion, invalidates it.  One act can not represent many different functions.  

The duration and intensity of a hug can demonstrate the sentiment behind it, in theory, but only if both people are on the same wave length.  Who decides this part?  Who really benefits from a hug?  The person giving it, to make them feel superior in reassuring, caring and the more stable person.  Or does the person receiving the hug gain more, as they feel safe and secure.  Ultimately they mean the same, the person giving the hug is showing dominance over the other.

I wonder having a thyroid condition that affects my glands, if this is the reason that I have never seen the need to hug?  I doubt this as i firmly believe it is not a  biological thing but more psychological.  Perhaps having my mental health problems means that I am incapable of understanding attachment and bonding.  Possibly the lack of care and attachment I have had in my life is the reason that I do not require this act.

But is hugging an act that can be learned to be appreciated and become effective?   Is a hug like religion that you have to believe in it to get any pseudo benefits from?  Am I missing out on something or not seeing the bigger picture?  The majority do hug and appear to be happy doing so, with some choosing to do it regularly for seemingly any purpose.  I don’t think I will ever understand it. Despite my obvious problems with being touched, I am not sure I would gain anything.

Maybe one day I will allow myself to be hugged and see for myself if there can be any enjoyment or in fact any benefit from a hug….

Lying to myself..

I can’t stand this.  I am lying to myself and that has to be the worst thing anyone can do.  People need to realise what their capabilities are and living in some fake existence because it sounds good, is not real.  I can’t wipe away weeks of bad thoughts and feelings in one day.  I am too fragile right now to maintain any kind of feeling for long.  Walking on a tightrope hoping not to fall.  When will I just make the decision that I have been toying with half my life?  Excuse after excuse, convincing myself that by not doing anything I am strong and progressing, when in fact I am just eating myself alive.  I need to get out, to run away, to think, but I can’t I am trapped in my own head.  Sat alone again with no one beside me to talk to, to calm me down and make me hold on to… well anything.  Panic coursing through me.  Disgust filling every pore that I have.  Anger building towards myself with only one outlet.  My thoughts are racing so fast, it is impossible to take just one and digest it.  I feel like I am on a motorway dodging rush hour traffic trying not to get hit.  Trying to slow my breathing enough to get a full lung full of air.  Right back to the scared little girl who was trapped so long ago and helpless.  She was pathetic then and continues to be as an adult.  I need to hurt, to feel some real pain, to punish.  I just want everything to stop…

New Plan…

After taking the meds for a few days, the splits have gone and I really miss them.  I have been speaking to a friend and discussed it at length and have made the decision to stop taking the meds again.  I am going to try and control and learn rather than run and hide.  I am scared stupid.  I have huge doubts if I can change.  I don’t want to change hugely but I do want to have greater control.  Maybe this will mean developing a new split or removing some of the others, where possible.  At the moment it is all very much up in the air.  I am going to try and identify some of the feelings that I have had recently and attempt to manage them.  I wish I could think positively about this but I am worried that I have been this way for too long to enable any effective change.  I can see self harm becoming more increased, as life becomes more uncertain and difficult.  I would hope that I can learn to control this too, more than I do at present.  I need to find a method or technique to delay the urge to or at the very least someone to reason with me when I get the urge to.  As usually it stems from lack of control or huge emotions, both could, in theory, be helped by someone talking me down and being strong with me.  I hate the cliche of ‘New Year.. new start’ and I am under no illusion that anything will change over night.  I don’t want to lose who I am but think I need to fine tune myself.  I do not want to become less of a person or allow myself to be vulnerable.  Although perhaps allowing myself to be vulnerable with a few may help.  I really don’t know.  Too many variables.  I am going to trust (yes I said trust) the few people in my life to steer me in the right direction and stop fighting them at every turn.  Already the thought has me running for the nearest rock to crawl under.  Time, for the moment, is on my side.  At worst I go back on the meds and lose myself.  At best I can live a life that has never been possible.  I hate that I have to almost rely on others for this.  But perhaps that is where I am have been going wrong.  I think that two people in my life are very important to me.  I have recently realised this and I love them both.  I don’t expect them to carry me but support me.  I would hope that they will both realise in time how much they mean to me.  I have to stop hiding and allow myself to believe that I am possibly worth more than I think right now….